I have to say, having done this once, that there is something weird about that walking away moment. It's exactly the right thing, it's expected and exciting; it's not like it's even the first time we've left her or she's left us. But this step feels bigger, somehow. Bigger in all the right ways. Bigger like she gets to figure out how she likes to be in the world without seeing herself reflected in our eyes each night. Bigger like she gets to figure out so many things about herself. Bigger like each year she goes back to school is one step closer to that day when coming home on breaks and holidays isn't the automatic thing to do, because she will have this huge expansive life of her own. And we'll have an important place in that life, but an important place among other important things. And that's all as it should be. But that walking away moment, when we turn to go and she turns to stay. Whew. That's a big one.
As I think I mentioned, there was a time when I was going to go on retreat (cancelled in the Tilly time), and although I realized I wasn't going to go before I had to say it, I wouldn't have posted during the days I was there. (Silent retreat and all.) When I made the commitment to my magpie year, I knew that there might be periods like that. I'd been thinking about the retreats required by my teacher training, but I've decided that I'd like to treat these five days as a different kind of retreat. I'd like to treat them as a time to be fully present for this transition, without narrating it in my head in preparation for writing about it. If it turn out that I have something I really need or want to share, I will. But what I'm saying is, I'm giving myself a spaciousness here, with as few obligations as possible. So I'll see y'all on the flip side.